The Beauty of the Cracks

 "That crack you try to hide or mend is where your vulnerability seeps through and when enough of it has leaked out, you have become real and beautiful and the sweet nectar of vulnerability nourishes another human soul." cmh

As I sat down to sip tea on the deck, my discerning eyes gravitated to the recent addition of the pool ladder after the long winter months and my mind said out loud, as it often does, that doesn't look quite right, my spouse was the only one near enough to hear and we may have engaged in a marital debate as I like to refer to them as. This was probably the millionth time or at least the third or fourth, that I had mentioned a crack in the perfection of things around me, as I was hiding out a bit from my own feelings that morning and my spouse's response was clearly legitimate, strong and tender all at the same time when he ended the debate with, "You know Carolyn, everything has something that doesn't seem quite right,  so give up on that perfection narrative, it's all a little cracked and it will really be alright and good enough is a thing too. He knows me well enough that his response wasn't really about the pool ladder just as my words were not completely either.

This is not a new experience for me and I've come to understand that my noticing of the flaws, or cracks and being irritated by them, is part of recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting my own. This forces me to let go of the imagined control I have over anything or my presumed ability to fix something to the point of perfection which would mean there really never was such a thing and each day we are just floating around the universe cracked and seeping this vulnerability, we have acquired from knowing these truths, all over the place and maybe you find it as scary as I do at times. 

Thinking about the cracks and vulnerability together this week, I couldn't get the catchy tune from Encanto the Disney movie out of my head.  We don't talk about Bruno has become a worldwide phenomenon with dance moves and karaoke versions and students singing at talent shows in schools all over the world.  I can presume it is loved for the simple phrases and rhythm but if you pay attention to the lyrics and have seen the movie, you realize that this is really a song about hiding a presumed flaw in a family, a crack, not revealed, in a son that brought vulnerability to the members as well as shame and to escape this, the unspoken rule was to not discuss this person's experience anymore.  In this way, they can escape facing the vulnerability that comes with acknowledging, and loving Bruno and celebrating his unique abilities and way of showing up in the world.

This makes this song and movie so relatable because haven't we all watched our grandmother standing by the sink with a pinched expression, saying she was fine after her feelings were hurt by something someone said but her body language is sending a very different message or our mom referring to how strong she is when asked about how hard it must be after receiving difficult news and the next morning you see in her eyes that she has had a good cry before sleep, or your sister or brother telling you of their imminent divorce and in the same breath, saying that it's just the way it is instead of shattering in a million pieces before your eyes, or your partner exerting his or /her effort to override the decision of their unfair termination of employment but having not yet stopped to just say this really hurts and is so unfair or bearing witness to some other version of these types of stories.

We may have felt their ability to hide their cracks or show a courageous face was honorable or necessary so the next time we notice our own crack we may have tried to emulate their perceived strength and when we did, there was something untrue about it and we realized it was wrapped up with their fear of the cracks where their vulnerability might leak through. Where we might see their humanness. Just like in nature when we talk of a species that is vulnerable, it usually means that they are in danger of becoming extinct. We, too, think our vulnerability will mean we are at risk of being found out, tossed aside, or rejected for those parts of us we have chosen to hide.  We may be seeking self-preservation at all costs. 

I taught my most memorable yoga class to date a couple of weekends ago to a group of all abilities adults.  Some may refer to this group as a vulnerable population.   As we moved through our head to toe warm-up, I told them we would be moving through a cat-cow sequence.  Immediately someone in the room began to moo and a few joined in.  I said this was great, we could all moo and there was a lot of laughter and ease and a few meows too before it ended.   I don't know if we call them vulnerable because we deem their cracks more obvious but their ability to be vulnerable demonstrated so much strength to me.  They could be themselves with no guards, or fears, as they were not trying to protect or preserve how others saw them and what really seeped through their cracks as we mooed and meowed, was their inherent beauty. 

My favorite people in life have always been those who wore their  cracks visibly or shared them with me openly once they trusted me with their story. When I was a young girl, my most revered friend was a middle-aged woman who proudly read tea leaves, collected coins, and other people's stories. She had the largest most beautiful eyes, as a result, I later learned of the prescription of her bifocal glasses. She wore all of who she was like a robe of the finest silk and I loved her dearly.   I think I have collected all of my people over the years this way and the irony of this is not lost on me coming from the young girl who could not look in the mirror with both eyes but used to squint one eye a little every time she passed a mirrored reflection. It wasn't necessarily the physical being reflecting back at me that made me timid but the gestalt of feelings I had about being seen fully as me, I figured out later.  When we metaphorically and physically in my case, begin to open up both of our eyes, we can see the balance of what we are putting out by sharing the cracks.  It then becomes easier to put both parts in the world, the beautiful painting that didn't quite get all the colors aligned, the piece of writing that included your heart but was not written in poetic prose, the amazing meal we cooked that may not have been enjoyed by the guests in the way you had hoped.   We are now offering up our cracks and our vulnerability. 

Though we may never see what others see or don't see in us, we can affect how others see themselves, their cracks, and their sweet nectar of vulnerability by not needing them to preserve any part of who they are for the right moment, the perfect situation, the right lighting, or the masterful art piece. We can do this by sharing ours and continuing to sprinkle parts of ourselves in unfamiliar places, and showing that we too carry cracks in our heart, our worth, or relationships, our humanness, and yes it is most definitely good enough.

Rest

 "When you rest, you catch your breath and it holds you up like water wings". Ann Lamott 

In Bali, they have a holiday that occurs in their  New Year which is considered a day of rest.  The Balinese are not allowed to operate cars or turn on lights. All businesses are shut down for twenty-four hours.  People are expected to rest, relax, and only engage in quiet activities that regenerate their energy.  In the past few years, they have even begun to shut down the internet and phone service to facilitate a true rest.   There are other countries that continue to incorporate rest into each day. In Spain, there is a noon time Siesta which encourages their citizens to rest, and nap for up to two hours.  In Italy they have Riposo, meaning rest, and is also an extended lunch break.  Sweden calls their rest time, Fika and is a coffee break for gathering with friends and taking a rest from work responsibilities.  Sweden as well as other Scandanavian countries practice Hygge in the winter months which also incorporates deeper rest, a slower pace, and time to regenerate and rejuvenate. 

These practices are very different then what we are used to with extended work hours and people's continued access to work with internet connection and work environments being switched to home. The language used with words like grind and hustle in reference to our work lives leaves no support for rest either.  Many of us are now expected to work, rest and sleep all in the same environment and it can be a challenge.  I think we often get confused in the west with the difference between rest and sleep. When we are preparing to sleep we will need to be in a restful state or space first but if we are going to rest, we do not always have to sleep.  Sleep is needed for our overall health and the prevention of disease.   Rest is needed for our physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.  We need rest from sensory input and we need it for creativity, and regulating emotions. Rest is like a dimmer switch on our thoughts and actions.  Our body is run by the ground control of our nervous system and many of us spend a great deal of time with our sympathetic nervous system activated in the fight or flight.  It is our parasympathetic nervous system that is the state where we rest and recover. It can take at least twenty minutes to activate this system so saving our rest time until we fall into bed at night is not really the best option.

Talking with so many teacher friends this time of year, with the endless to-do lists of wrapping up another school year and preparing for new students while dealing with little people who are ready for less structured days and endless play, the conversation often comes to how tired they feel. Some will say they are not able to get to sleep, others can't stay asleep and many more say they are getting sleep but continue to feel tired. All of these issues are real and are not exclusive to teachers in June of course. We can't begin to dissect the complexities of sleep outside of our own experience but current realities have created such a culture of exhaustion, along with stages in life with young children, later in life with changes in hormonal balance, and the increased demands on everyone's productivity. But if you are feeling tired or struggling with sleep, it seems that it would make sense that we rest.

How often when you see someone at the end of the day, do you ask what did you do today or how often does someone ask you this question?  We have become so programmed to think of productivity as our purpose in life or at least what makes us worthy of having a life.   It would seem strange for someone to ask how did you rest today but it really would make so much more sense.   We need this reminder not to put more pressure on ourselves that now we have something else to do, like rest but to notice if we are giving ourselves sufficient time to do nothing and let our bodies and minds regenerate. Rest may look different for different people and though engaging in self-care or leisure activities can feel restful, especially if you have had too many family or work demands, this is not always the rest that brings our nervous system into balance. Rest is ceasing to engage, full stop.  It is not active and it is different from a pause which can be just for a breath or a thought and can mean just disengaging from one activity and engaging in another.  Rest is not glamorous. It doesn't let us share stories or offer feedback on our value or our contributions as a person.  The science is there though to support that without rest there is no regeneration and we need to regenerate our thoughts to be creative, our bodies to perform,  and our spirit to connect. We all know that time we were lying outside in the sunshine and the solution to a problem we weren't even thinking about came to us. Or that Sunday morning we committed to staying in our pajamas and we felt more compassion towards a difficult relationship. When we felt comforted by the support of blankets, pillows, and deep breaths and a creative project idea came to mind that had been eluding us for months.  When we learn to rest we can still be tired because there are just too many things in our modern world that we are tired of and from. Some of these are beyond the scope of rest but we can recognize that without rest habits we may become unconsciously over-engaged, stimulated, or embroiled in issues or situations which will eventually lead to burnout. 

Summer will arrive in a couple of weeks and many will begin to plan trips, spend more time trying to fit in all the things because there is an urgency with summer, as it seems short and fleeting. Back in December, I saw a post from an office that said stopping for winter rest and the dates included were for several weeks. I can remember thinking what a wise organization and wouldn't it be great if everyone had that same mentality and opportunity. I do recognize the privilege involved in rest. For some it may just mean lying down while your baby is napping, closing your eyes in your work break room instead of scrolling for a brief moment, sitting in the car while your child is in piano and putting the chair back in stillness, or deep breaths and eyes closed wherever you can make space. But what if we started a rest reciprocity to support those who are only able to find a minute or two or none? It makes me think of the quote by Ram Dass that says," I can do nothing for you but work on myself... you can do nothing for me but work on yourself." What if we thought of this in terms of rest ? If we  have the privilege to make time for rest., then when we are rested, we are in a place to be of service. Now we can serve up rest to someone who may not have the opportunity. We can offer to watch someone's child while they take a nap, we can have lunch with an older relative so their spouse can rest,   offer to help in some way to reduce the load of a caregiver and the list goes on. First, we must rest ourselves like the old metaphor of putting our oxygen mask on first, and then we are able to offer our most rested self. As summer moves in and hotter temperatures prevail, we need to follow the lead of those countries that deal with extreme heat, and recognize that it is not a time for us to continue to focus on productivity at full speed but to take time to lie back in the closest hammock, put our toes in the sand of a nearby beach, take an afternoon nap in the breeze, turn off or shut down technology for a period of your day, enjoy restorative yoga postures and linger in them awhile, wrap yourself in comfort and listen to your favorite song. take longer with your lunch, sit in nature and just soak it in and make space in your mind to daydream. We can normalize rest for ourselves and then share that rested self,  in our own homes which is more than enough but every now and then we can extend that reciprocity of rest to allow someone else to turn down their thoughts with the dimmer switch so they can light their own way again.

  

Cycles

 "Life is a cycle of ends and starts". Mark Webber

When I drove up a familiar street in our small city this week, a memory of a taxidermy owl dressed in various festive outfits came to me. There was a small house with a windowed verandah on the right side of the street. Prominently sitting on the ledge facing the street, sat a stuffed owl for most of my childhood and beyond. The owners of the home would dress the owl for every occasion, holiday, or event that we cycled through during the year.  For me and many others, it became habitual to look to the right as you drove up the hill to see what the owl was wearing.  It was a comforting confirmation of where we were in the cycle of the month, season or year and if you missed any of the celebratory outfits, there was always next time.  I am quite sure that there was something written in local news or announced on the radio when the owl retired from the window or the family moved, I am not sure exactly but I can remember feeling disappointed that they would not be there anymore and I suspect I was not alone in this sentiment.  

My youngest daughter will be finishing her final year of participating in the public school system in a couple of short weeks.  She has been cycling through this system and the school year calendar for fourteen years which is longer than most. She already had her official graduation but was back at our local high school for a transitioning to life year where she participated in a co-op program to practice skills that may support her in becoming part of her community and the working world.  Even with her many challenges, she has always loved the school community and has clung tightly to the predictability of the cycles of the year. She has found comfort in knowing what comes next and that it will all unfold in the many stages and phases again on repeat.   Leaving this predicability will be a challenge for her as it will for many others.  

 Cycles can be a complete set or series of events. They can move in or follow a regularly repeated sequence.  It is not surprising that most of the man-made rhythms of life, like the school year, holidays, occasions, and ceremonies flow through a cycle or are cyclical in nature, when you think of all of the naturally occurring cycles in life,  The moon cycles through its many phases and affects the cycling of the tides as well.  The seasons move in a cycle and give us the new beginnings of Spring, the fullness and ripeness of Summer, the harvest and release of Fall, and the death, rest, and rejuvenation of Winter. Cycles in nature also give us a constant ongoing exchange of elements between air, earth, water, plants, and animals.  

Humans also have their cycles of emotions, grief, healing, and life itself.   Emotions arrive and run through their cycle in ninety seconds without the interference of thoughts.  Grief has no timeline but cycles through stages of shock or denial, anger, depression, detachment, dialogue,  bargaining, and acceptance.   Healing also has many stages we cycle through physically and mentally.  Many of the stages in both of these cycles we can remain in for some time and many we can cycle back to for the duration of our lifetime.  This is why they are referenced as cycles and circles indicating that we are meant to flow through and around and back again. The most prevalent cycle affecting all of us is our life cycle that we may be timid to think about. There are an average of one hundred and twenty people who die every minute and simultaneously in that minute, there are approximately two hundred and fifty babies born.  Death and then new life is a constant predictable cycle we are a part of whether we choose to keep it at the forefront of our minds or not.  

Before our ancestors used a calendar for plotting out time, I am sure beyond the seasons, they were using when birds were birthing their young when specific flowers were emerging,  or the arrival of food sources like specific varieties of berries.  Even now,  we watch for the tulips of April, the Mayflowers, lupins in June, strawberries in early July, raspberries in late, blueberries in early August, and sunflowers near the end.   These cyclical signs help us to notice what stage we are at, what is happening around us at these times, what growth we have been a part of, and give us a timeline for what comes next.    Cycles prepare us for the impermanence of life in a way that we can learn to detach from things and appreciate that they have a season, a time of fruition, and an end, that if we are lucky we will witness again and again. Cycles require adaptability.  Rather than getting caught in a fixed mindset that thinks that there will be an end to something that is uncomfortable at the time, like grief, we can recognize where we are with it and allow it to take its natural course. We can remember that we won't feel like this forever, and at the same time, it is the natural place for us to be in this moment. I think there can be comfort in knowing that we will move to the next phase in the cycle.  Just knowing what is to come next allows us to not try to bypass any necessary phase for growth or movement forward or flow.  

One of the most important cycles we go through that supports us in all the cycles of life is the cycle of self-love which we need to be a  part of this cycle for all of our life.   When we commit to a cycle of self-discovery, self-care, self-acceptance, and self-worth, we are cycling through the circle of self-love and this allows us to honor and accept where we are in all of life's cycles.  We can accept our anger cycle, our relationship cycles, our growth cycles as well as our cycles of thoughts, and habitual actions.  Most of all it allows us to accept and honor these in others without trying to hurry them through.  Thinking of how our own capacity for self-love affects ourselves and those around us, I am reminded of a passage from the book, "The Horse and Boy", "So you know all about me?   asked the boy "Yes" said the horse  "And you still love me?" "We love you all the more".  

As my daughter and so many more, move into a cycle that is less obvious and predictable and may be less preferred,  it is my hope that they can have the support they need to find their own rhythm and flow.  Where they can get up, show up, love big, stay open, listen and practice to learn, soften and surrender, rest and restore and repeat for as many days as they cycle through,  For all of us moving through the many cycles of life, may we let go a little more at every part of whatever cycle we are moving in and love ourselves into completion before we begin again. 

Dreams

 "A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities" Nathaniel Hawthorne

May 20th is World Bee Day which was decided by the UN. The date was chosen as it was the birthday of the famous beekeeper, Anton Jansa, who wanted to draw the world's attention to the importance of bees to the survival of humanity. It was believed crucial to make others aware that bees are considered to be the most instrumental in pollination which ensures the supply of food, keeps agriculture thriving, and biodiverse. He wanted the world to know that bees also play a role in lessening the effects of climate change and conserving the environment. Then this would lay grounds for the care and protection of bees over the long term and aid in the solution of reducing poverty and hunger as well as sustaining a thriving environment that is biodiverse.  This may have been the dream of Anton Jansa and probably the dream of those who began this initiative of the UN. 

In the past couple of weeks, I have been learning so many new things about bees and being reminded of others I had forgotten, in preparation for sharing with my kindergarteners. Some that I found so interesting were that bees can count and understand zero, they dance to communicate with others about where to find food, and one of the most interesting that I discovered this time was that they may even dream. The research suggests that because of all the work their brains do, rest is of great importance, and they sleep five to eight hours a day. Their antennae have been observed moving in distinct patterns as they sleep which indicates dreaming. If this is the case, it is believed they could be storing memories as we do when we dream as well as allowing their bodies to rest, repair, and rejuvenate. 

I know it is important not to anthropomorphize other living creatures, but I wonder if science shows us that they follow the same dream process in sleep that humans do, could they also have dreams in their waking hours? It was an interesting thought and discussion with five-year-olds this week to think of bees having cherished aspirations, ambitions, or ideals. Do they daydream about becoming the queen bee as they fight others to the death to attain this role?  Are they working in collaboration with nature to fulfill the dream of ending world hunger?  

I had a friend in high school that had a world map on his wall with push pins decorating it.  He told me these were the places he wanted to go when he finished school. This was his dream. I am not sure how he arrived at this dream. He was reading a lot of books by Edmund Hillary, who also happened to be a beekeeper,  about his climbing Mt. Everest and his other adventures, and this resonated with him.  He wanted to see these places for himself. He also had thought he may want to be a beekeeper one day too but I digress.  I didn't realize that all through his university days, he was working and saving money to pay for his higher education as well as trying to save to bring this dream to life when his degree was complete. After four years, he packed a very minimalist backpack and headed off.  On this trip, he would visit, Australia, New Zealand, and Fiji. Then the money ran out as well as the fuel for his dream and he returned home. It was not long after his return that he began plotting his next adventure. This time he would cover most of Europe, and Asia in the year away. He traveled with a friend for this year and although much of their travel unfolded spontaneously, there was a pull to Mt. Everest that kept him moving in this direction. The day arrived finally and the two hiked for twenty-three days to the base camp of Everest while tenting along the way. He told me later that even though his travels didn't quite end at the base camp when he reached that point a feeling came over him that he couldn't quite explain but knew that he was ready to go home. He was ready to dream a new dream. This friend, adventurer, and dreamer later became my husband and life partner.   His dreams have continued to change over the years but the thread that has woven through his reality is that he continues to dream.   

I recently heard Arthur Brooks, a Harvard professor talking about the key to having happiness sprinkled throughout our lives was to be able to have aspirations and desires, in other words, dreams throughout our entire lives and not to rely on the fulfillment of those dreams we had in our first half of life to sustain us for our whole lives. There are so many dreams to dream when we are young, dreaming of love, home, career, children, and travel which really translate to our dreams of making a life. These are the traditional dreams with so many other unique ones that take us on varying paths as we listen to our own hearts along the way but he was saying how important it is to have the dreams for the second half of our lives as well. This is not to say that we are carrying over, holding on to or ruminating over the dreams that we didn't fulfill from those years. It is about being honest with ourselves and our longings, passions, and desires and finding new ways to dream.  

Just as without bees humanity will not exist, we as humans can become dead inside without our dreams. Dreams represent our aliveness. They are our promise to ourselves that there is a tomorrow and that we can indeed be fully alive at all stages of life.  A few years ago I was teaching a yoga class to a group of teachers and I believe the theme of the class was about being fully present and I referenced that life was not a dress rehearsal. A couple of weeks later, one of the teachers came up to me and said that what I had said had really spoken to her and that she had gone home and talked to her husband about it. She said that they had always wanted to learn to ballroom dance so she had enrolled them in a class and they were really enjoying it. I was happy for her that she was acting on a dream. We ended up in different schools so our yoga sessions ended and when I heard of her a couple of years later, I learned that her husband had died unexpectedly. My first thought beyond the tragedy and grief was of the two of them dancing together hand in hand. There are so many others we come in contact with that are living with agitation or numbness and are not even sure why.  They seem to have given up on the concept of dreams for themselves or the world around them.  Somewhere along the way, they got the message that dreams were for the young or the self-absorbed. They believed that it was too late for the dream they had or they weren't interested in the traditional dreams that others had projected onto them. I think many of us are using life-giving energy to deny our dreams and keep them hidden and in this way, they are not able to come to light. I think that when we don't share our dreams and continue to believe in the possibility or steps we can take towards them or the creation of new ones, we may be dying a little inside and we are burdening those around us or in our care with that knowledge whether spoken or unspoken. We are sending the message to our families and friends that dreaming is not important and that it is also unrealistic.

Right now my husband and I are dreaming of creating a small flower garden to nourish both ourselves and the bees. A small dream but one we share together. We are also holding close to our dream of living in a world where being safe applies to all living beings and creatures. Where people are allowed to have sovereignty over themselves and their bodies, Where children come first and adults do whatever it takes to ensure their well-being. The beauty of these kinds of dreams is that they allow all of us collectively to live in our world as it exists, with the perseverance to continue to dream and take the steps that we are able to bring dreams to life that collectively create the world we all want to live in. 

Standing Out

 

"We were not meant to fit into this world perfectly but to live in such a way that might forge a path all our own" Brianna Wiest

A few years ago there was an article written by a local journalist about a tree that was getting noticed on the horizon of the  Northside of the city.  It could be seen from one of the area bridges and from some places on the local university campus. The tree .with its massive stature was a white pine that stood alone in an area that had been clear-cut over a decade ago.  New growth had begun around the tree but did not stand out beside this majestic pine that was close to two hundred years old. The media consulted with a local forestry professor about the survival of the lone tree and found that the tree was probably what they call a legacy tree.  This particular type of tree is often left as a legacy tree because of its deep roots that allow them to survive intense weather storms.  The tree's role is to seed in the next generation. The legacy tree can often live into the next generation of forest and become an emergent tree that canopies the grown forest and it could live for another three hundred years while dominating the landscape. I remember reading this article and what I found most intriguing was the number of people who had taken note of this tree and wondered about it.  How its ability to stand out had so many putting a visit to this tree on their bucket lists, as well as the number of people who had already been to see it.   I am not sure that this tree's preference would have been to stand alone or become such an anomaly but the role of creating a whole new forest was an immense responsibility that it was fulfilling beautifully. The tree was standing out and would find a  new place to fit into again.

I started thinking about this tree after I attended the graduation ceremony of one of the local universities, St. Thomas.  The ceremony began with the bestowing of two honorary degrees.  One woman was a Passamaquoddy elder and teacher. During the ceremony, she shared her music in her mother tongue while drumming. When they talked of her notable contributions to music, they spoke of her as a song carrier and described her tedious work of going through all of the music of her ancestors that had been banned and was only available in New Brunswick archives. She was able to record all of the songs for her people to bring back their culture to them.  She was noted as saying," when you bring the songs back, you're going to bring the dances back. You're going to bring the people back. You're going to bring everything back."  Most notable to me is that this woman had witnessed the repression of her people for standing out culturally and now through her efforts was bringing back wholeness through song to her community.   The second woman to receive an honorary degree was Fredericton- based writer, educator, and historian who was dedicated to preserving the histories of  Black New Brunswickers. As did the first recipient, she has spent tireless hours with her research to locate and restore abandoned Black cemeteries. She has been featured as " one of thirty-three Black Canadians Making Change Now".As a black woman growing up in a small rural community, she too was using the ways that she had stood out and experienced racism,  to bring healing, celebration of culture, and belonging to future generations.   Not unlike the legacy tree.  There was also a lone graduate who was also notable at the ceremony.  She was receiving a bachelor of arts degree like everyone else but her story differs and puts her in a statistic category that stood out to me.  At fourteen years of age, she voluntarily left an unhealthy family situation and became a foster child.  She was in foster care for all of her formative years and is one of the 3%  of people who go through this system that successfully receive a degree in a secondary education program. She also used the ways that she stood out to find her community.  There is one last person who stood out for me at this ceremony and her name was Dr. Gloria Paul. My daughter received a prize in Environment and Society that was in Dr. Paul's name as part of her legacy after her passing in 2017.  I later learned that  Gloria too had received an honorary degree, in  2008, from St. Thomas for her longtime environmental and peace activism. Gloria had survived the London Blitz bombing air raid during World War II as a child and was very passionate about ending all war.   Gloria's experiences led her to create a  peaceful sanctuary for travelers to visit and stay in Hoyt, New Brunswick which she and her companion named, Pilgrim House. This was a Christian retreat that attracted many over the forty years that she lived and shared this space.  She, along with her long-time companion, Yvonne Mersereau, won the YMCA's Peace Medal in 2007 and was instrumental in the installation of the peace pole in our city. She could be seen even in her later years, at environmental rallys' for funding cuts to the environment and speaking about the environmental impact of war to university students. She was the voice for Agent Orange survivors in the Saint John River Valley and in Vietnam.  Gloria was also a psychiatric nurse,  a warm person who is quoted as" living her days towards giving birth to a world where peace was always possible". It would seem that she has become a legacy tree for many including my daughter who is like-minded and equally passionate.      

It is no coincidence that so many of the beautiful souls that stand out in this world have had their share of challenges.  As is evident in these stories, sometimes we stand out despite our wishes, actions or control, and other times we stand out as a result of them.   There are so many examples in nature of this.  The unbelievable struggles before the beauty emerges, and the butterfly stands out or the lotus plant who is surrounded by murky water and finds a way to bloom the most beautiful pink and white petalled flowers.  Like these examples in nature, we are led to our unique imprint on the world.  

I know that if I had been giving the Valedictorian speech that day, I would have chosen this theme of standing out like the legacy tree. I would have reminded the graduates not to shrink in situations of discomfort but to embrace standing out.  I would point out that their adversity may be the seeding for other generations.  The ways that they are different or struggle, may be what others are in need of seeing, noticing, witnessing, processing and as a result, learning from. That not fitting perfectly is necessary for growth and not in a toxic positivity way like the long-time narratives that your difficulties make you stronger, better. chosen, holy, or are chosen for you, because life sometimes just happens and it is what we are able to be and learn in spite of it at times. I would remind them that they are creating a road map for themselves and their life, a way through, and for all the ways that their story will have elements of adversity, it may be this same story that saves someone else's life, ignites their passion for justice, liberates them from their secrets or shame.   I would end with a plea that when they have forged that path all their own that they share it in community with their fellow life travelers so we can stand out in all the ways we do and fit in simultaneously.

Dandelions

"The only difference between a flower and a weed is judgment"  Wayne Dyer

 The month of May is when the world seems to come alive. One of the first bursts of color is the dandelions that begin to crop up in ditches, fields, and our lawns. You may be indifferent to this plant or carry some strong feelings toward it. Either way, it is impossible not to notice its presence.  As an elementary teacher or a parent of young children, many of you can relate to dandelions becoming a daily offering.  Students pick one or many flowers after each time outside to give as a gift when they arrive back indoors.  Always patiently waiting for the reaction of those receiving them. This week, as usual,  I started a make-shift vase to add the carefully chosen but often mangled dandelions.   I wasn't the only one to start to receive these gifts this week.  At the end of the school day, there are a few students who do not take the school bus and I wait with them for their parents to arrive.   On this day,  I watched one of my kindergarteners bend down to pick a bouquet of dandelions for their parent before running to meet them, as they stood by the cars lining the sidewalk.  Each student that followed did the same. It never fails to bring up big feelings for me because of the sweet sentiment.   In their own way, they are handing up a bouquet of the most authentic love with deep feeling, disguised as a weed. As I stand there witnessing this, I am instinctively choking back my emotional reaction when really I should just let a tear or two emerge.  Instead, I smile and point out what is happening to the staff member standing closest to me.  Of course, I couldn't help thinking about how feelings and dandelions have so much in common and how we can learn so much about ourselves from observing Nature.  

 Dandelions symbolize persistence and strong will. They are actually composed of many small ray flowers. Our feelings are composed of an array of emotions that we have attached a story to based on our experiences.   Dandelions continue to grow just from one flower and as a result, can cover an entire lawn over time from that initial weed. Feelings too can grow out of a single experience and clutter our entire mind with the stories we tell.  If we are being honest, there is really no way to get rid of dandelions that is not destructive to ourselves or others.  I think this holds true of our feelings as well. We need to accept that we will feel many feelings in every moment. Dandelions develop deep roots over time and extracting them or trying to extinguish them with chemicals,  or other means is not the best option.  Masking our feelings, denying them, or trying to separate from them with substances just allows them to develop deeper roots as well.    Some people have very intense physical reactions to Dandelions and the same can be true for people,  as a result of their feelings.  Just like fighting dandelions and wasting so much energy on getting rid of them, is just energy wasted,  the same goes for the energy we waste on denying, avoiding, reacting, or trying to get rid of big feelings.  As with dandelions, the only real way to deal with them is to take them on one by one and when we do we see many aspects that are powerful, healthy, and life-giving.   The dandelion's roots are used for tea, the leaves provide nutrition in a salad, and the flower creates seed, new life, and whimsy with bouquets, necklaces, and maybe even a crown or two.  Perhaps our feelings are providing us with gifts as well, and maybe there are underlying things we would not have noticed without the strong feelings.  It seems safe to say that we are not always emotional about the thing in front of us or happening to us but maybe our bodies are giving us a message like; this is not right for us, leave, set a boundary,  you need to rest, try something new, notice your fear and step around it or see its wisdom. Noticing the messages attached to the feelings is how they are processed.  It is how we are able to let go when we need to and step up or show up for things that our feelings let us know are really important.  We have been taught to be discerning when it comes to expressing our feelings. We think about how they will be received, what is too big, and how much is too little. Just as somewhere along the way we were told that dandelions were just a nuisance. I am not saying a person should demonstrate their feelings about everything or even share them with anyone that does not feel like a safe space but we may need to hold our own judgment on ourselves for feeling the multitude of things that come up for us each and every day. Our feelings like Dandelions have a cycle and we must trust that they are serving us whether we are labeling them good or bad.  If we dial back the negative feelings we also tend to dial back our joyful ones and then this just looks like indifference.  It seems completely unrealistic that we should not have big feelings about what is happening in the world around us and our inability to change these circumstances. It also seems counterintuitive not to act on feelings about injustices we are witnessing, or express our elation for the good in our life.  I don't believe we were ever meant to become complacent about things that matter just as we were never meant to carry all of life's problems on our shoulders.  I listened to a woman interviewed this week that was saying that compassion fatigue is real because it is not humanly possible to be involved in all of the world's sorrows. We have gotten used to tempering our feelings and detaching from them and this has become normalized.     I could give you the grocery list breakdown of what seems to be the triggers of the big feelings we are experiencing as a collective as well as our own individual ones but I think it is just  as validating and comforting to know that none of us are alone in what we are feeling.   Like dandelions, we have to expect that these big feelings will continue to show up in unexpected places at times and that they will grow and cycle through as they were meant to.  Some of our feelings can be as wild and organic as dandelions tend to be and in those fields of feelings  we can sift through the weeds before  choosing what needs to be let go

Can you remember the joy that dandelions evoked for you as a child?  When you saw them come up for the first time, did you pick them to give by the bunches to someone you loved?  What about noticing how deeply rooted they were and how much joy there was in blowing their seed puffs to make a wish, believing they held some kind of magic that could fulfill our longing.   Children love dandelions and see their beauty. They also allow all of the big feelings and don't hold them inside and I believe they are healthier for it.  

  Whether we are offering up or being offered a suitcase of our feelings or someone else's or a bouquet of weeds, in this moment may we see the gift, the honor of someone trusting us with their vulnerability, and may we allow the dandelions of the emotions to be accepted, processed, and expressed with ease. Perhaps we can sift through to create a bouquet that we can stand in front of another with and in this way,  share all of the highs and lows of being human and big feeling in a world that may expect otherwise.  

Home

 "A man travels the world over  in search of what he needs and returns home to find it" George Moore

My great-grandmother's home is preserved in a historical settlement a forty-minute drive from my house. Stripped back to fit into a 19th-century village, it was dragged across the icy Wolastoq River when the settlement was created almost sixty years ago.  I have stepped inside this home many times over the years, seen the stairs where my father sat as a small child, the room my parents slept in as newlyweds when they went to visit.  I can remember being in this house with tourists when a woman spoke up to say she was an energy healer and could feel the energy of the family that had lived here.   I always remember wondering why my great-grandmother wanted her home to be part of this settlement.  I suppose we all would like our legacy to live on and maybe this was her way of ensuring this.  Her home was obviously important to her and part of her identity.  I have used house and home interchangeably here, but when I think about my great grandmother and her house.  I wonder if she truly found a home here?

A home is defined as where one lives permanently, especially as a family member. For other species, it is a place they instinctively return to.  On the other hand, a house is a building for human habitation usually with other family members.  

I think of how distinctly different these two entities are by definition and how much we confuse them as a society.  I think of the indigenous people and how their home was often changing by way of where they were getting their food or creating shelter from the elements.   I think of the newcomers and refugees who find themselves displaced and moving to new regions out of necessity. Whether to survive, find safety,  peace, or new hope.  Then there are all of the people that have endured weather disasters since the beginning of time and had their houses destroyed. We even have a name that stigmatizes people who do not have permanent shelter in our communities, the homeless, as though not having shelter is significant enough to define who someone is.  All of the ways that both a house and even a home by definition, can be unstable, everchanging, and nonexistent for some,  it is clear that home encompasses so much more. 

Home can be one of the most comforting words in the English language. Without a sense of home, there is a feeling of fragmentation, as those who have experienced this can attest to. Even the idea of home can bring about many impassioned emotions.   When I think of home I think of refuge or sanctuary. If I imagine a place I feel at home in I would not think of the physical space or structure but a sanctuary created by my books,  plants, and paintings that adorn the space and reflect back feelings of comfort and identity. The refuge comes from being surrounded by my people and animals as they create the unconditional love and space that allows me to feel truly at home in their presence.  We have all heard the familiar phrases, home is where the heart is, home is the person or place you return to again and again, but the home that remains the most attainable for us is the home we  carry with us on the  inside 

I think we spend a lot of our lives searching for our home.  We may travel throughout the world looking for a place that feels like home to us or to find the place that makes where we are returning feel more like home.  We may attach ourselves to people that feel like home. This may be why we often lose a sense of home when someone we love dies.   We miss them so because they meant home to us maybe even before we could find home for ourselves.  

I have lived now for twenty-seven years in the same house and most of those years with the same three people and pets but finding my home continues to be a ritual I  return to every day that I live here.  Most of the time now, I find my home on my yoga mat, my meditation cushion, in prayer, outside in stillness as I watch the sunrise. All of these things allow me to settle or land in my body. This is where I don't have to search for comfort, safety, love, or acceptance.  This is my true home.  Like the hummingbird returning in the first week of May or the Salmon finding their way upstream to return to their home, we have to keep coming back to this place inside ourselves. It is in this space that we find freedom even when we are confined, peace during war and upheaval, and self love in times of self-depreciation 

Our great grandmothers, grandmothers, or mothers may not have known the privilege of seeking refuge or finding sanctuary within themselves or being surrounded by their loved ones but maybe they have found home within us. With each barrier we cross, each burden we release, every regret we unleash, every privilege we acquire, and every person we help to own their bodies, their hearts, and their minds so these places can become home.  Perhaps,  we all find new ways to be in the home we are given, that we carry wherever we are.