The Beauty of the Cracks

 "That crack you try to hide or mend is where your vulnerability seeps through and when enough of it has leaked out, you have become real and beautiful and the sweet nectar of vulnerability nourishes another human soul." cmh

As I sat down to sip tea on the deck, my discerning eyes gravitated to the recent addition of the pool ladder after the long winter months and my mind said out loud, as it often does, that doesn't look quite right, my spouse was the only one near enough to hear and we may have engaged in a marital debate as I like to refer to them as. This was probably the millionth time or at least the third or fourth, that I had mentioned a crack in the perfection of things around me, as I was hiding out a bit from my own feelings that morning and my spouse's response was clearly legitimate, strong and tender all at the same time when he ended the debate with, "You know Carolyn, everything has something that doesn't seem quite right,  so give up on that perfection narrative, it's all a little cracked and it will really be alright and good enough is a thing too. He knows me well enough that his response wasn't really about the pool ladder just as my words were not completely either.

This is not a new experience for me and I've come to understand that my noticing of the flaws, or cracks and being irritated by them, is part of recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting my own. This forces me to let go of the imagined control I have over anything or my presumed ability to fix something to the point of perfection which would mean there really never was such a thing and each day we are just floating around the universe cracked and seeping this vulnerability, we have acquired from knowing these truths, all over the place and maybe you find it as scary as I do at times. 

Thinking about the cracks and vulnerability together this week, I couldn't get the catchy tune from Encanto the Disney movie out of my head.  We don't talk about Bruno has become a worldwide phenomenon with dance moves and karaoke versions and students singing at talent shows in schools all over the world.  I can presume it is loved for the simple phrases and rhythm but if you pay attention to the lyrics and have seen the movie, you realize that this is really a song about hiding a presumed flaw in a family, a crack, not revealed, in a son that brought vulnerability to the members as well as shame and to escape this, the unspoken rule was to not discuss this person's experience anymore.  In this way, they can escape facing the vulnerability that comes with acknowledging, and loving Bruno and celebrating his unique abilities and way of showing up in the world.

This makes this song and movie so relatable because haven't we all watched our grandmother standing by the sink with a pinched expression, saying she was fine after her feelings were hurt by something someone said but her body language is sending a very different message or our mom referring to how strong she is when asked about how hard it must be after receiving difficult news and the next morning you see in her eyes that she has had a good cry before sleep, or your sister or brother telling you of their imminent divorce and in the same breath, saying that it's just the way it is instead of shattering in a million pieces before your eyes, or your partner exerting his or /her effort to override the decision of their unfair termination of employment but having not yet stopped to just say this really hurts and is so unfair or bearing witness to some other version of these types of stories.

We may have felt their ability to hide their cracks or show a courageous face was honorable or necessary so the next time we notice our own crack we may have tried to emulate their perceived strength and when we did, there was something untrue about it and we realized it was wrapped up with their fear of the cracks where their vulnerability might leak through. Where we might see their humanness. Just like in nature when we talk of a species that is vulnerable, it usually means that they are in danger of becoming extinct. We, too, think our vulnerability will mean we are at risk of being found out, tossed aside, or rejected for those parts of us we have chosen to hide.  We may be seeking self-preservation at all costs. 

I taught my most memorable yoga class to date a couple of weekends ago to a group of all abilities adults.  Some may refer to this group as a vulnerable population.   As we moved through our head to toe warm-up, I told them we would be moving through a cat-cow sequence.  Immediately someone in the room began to moo and a few joined in.  I said this was great, we could all moo and there was a lot of laughter and ease and a few meows too before it ended.   I don't know if we call them vulnerable because we deem their cracks more obvious but their ability to be vulnerable demonstrated so much strength to me.  They could be themselves with no guards, or fears, as they were not trying to protect or preserve how others saw them and what really seeped through their cracks as we mooed and meowed, was their inherent beauty. 

My favorite people in life have always been those who wore their  cracks visibly or shared them with me openly once they trusted me with their story. When I was a young girl, my most revered friend was a middle-aged woman who proudly read tea leaves, collected coins, and other people's stories. She had the largest most beautiful eyes, as a result, I later learned of the prescription of her bifocal glasses. She wore all of who she was like a robe of the finest silk and I loved her dearly.   I think I have collected all of my people over the years this way and the irony of this is not lost on me coming from the young girl who could not look in the mirror with both eyes but used to squint one eye a little every time she passed a mirrored reflection. It wasn't necessarily the physical being reflecting back at me that made me timid but the gestalt of feelings I had about being seen fully as me, I figured out later.  When we metaphorically and physically in my case, begin to open up both of our eyes, we can see the balance of what we are putting out by sharing the cracks.  It then becomes easier to put both parts in the world, the beautiful painting that didn't quite get all the colors aligned, the piece of writing that included your heart but was not written in poetic prose, the amazing meal we cooked that may not have been enjoyed by the guests in the way you had hoped.   We are now offering up our cracks and our vulnerability. 

Though we may never see what others see or don't see in us, we can affect how others see themselves, their cracks, and their sweet nectar of vulnerability by not needing them to preserve any part of who they are for the right moment, the perfect situation, the right lighting, or the masterful art piece. We can do this by sharing ours and continuing to sprinkle parts of ourselves in unfamiliar places, and showing that we too carry cracks in our heart, our worth, or relationships, our humanness, and yes it is most definitely good enough.