Transformations

 "We are the alchemists of our own transformations. The providers of the magic in our creation of moments and deeper awareness that may also be the alchemy of another who bears witness". cmh

After a yoga and meditation practice, the sweet notion came to me to crawl back into my bed with a steaming cup of hot tea, my pen, and my notebook in hand. The plan was to scratch down whatever popped up in my awareness today, which has become my practice these days with fewer opportunities to write, I grab a moment, get it down and release myself from the ownership of the words connected to thought.   For a moment I closed my eyes and nestled into the softness above, below, and surrounding me with a deep physical and mental release.  It was a delicious pause from my usual intentions in the morning and the rare gift of not having to be anywhere just yet with my companion for the morning taking an extra few minutes of sleep herself. With pen in hand and an array of thoughts paralyzing the movement of it toward the paper, I stared out of my bedroom window. The view landed on the largest and oldest maple tree.  The realization of its barren branches was a bit jarring since I had intended to watch the process unfold and now the tree was devoid of even a leaf.  This is the alchemy of the tree in Fall. We can't actually witness all of the leaves as they change and release and then suddenly the transformation is complete. The naked tree also transforms the space around, opening for a wider perspective of the entirety of the yard. I have always been in awe of the intelligence of trees to know when it is time to let go of their leaves and I  see them as the real alchemists of nature.

When I was six years old and attending  my first year of elementary school in Marysville, in a building that has now been transformed into a community center known as The Ville, I can remember being gathered in the library, to hear a story about Fall and then talk about how the leaves change color and eventually fall from the trees.  Seeing this more as magic than science, I paid closer attention than usual and when the teacher asked for a volunteer to share their understanding and summarize for our peers, I boldly offered. Coming from the shy girl who would rather become part of the inset bookshelves and remain invisible, the simple but eloquent words of my six-year-old self were nothing less than alchemy and if no one was paying close attention they would have missed this small step of my transformation out of my shell. 

Alchemy is defined as a seemingly magical process of transformation, or creation  Like the example of my backyard tree, there are so many times that transformations are significant, obvious, and maybe even life-changing and we can be left with jaw-dropping wonder about how this process occurred and our own explanation may be that there was some unexplained phenomenon that brought this about, a magic that we may have stopped believing in long ago. Most of the time personal transformations are more realistic like my experience in the library that day.  They are a result of the small steps taken, the practices we are dedicated to, the balance of input and output, effort, and ease. The process may be messy at times.  Often things break down or fall apart and then we gain a better understanding of how to create or transform something new and often better than before. Not all transformations for ourselves or the world we live in are creating new or better. Many currently are transformations that are taking us in the wrong direction, undoing progress or effective changes already made. Others are moving us away from growth and insight.   Contemplating alchemy and the process of our own transformation, the "seemingly magic" part of the process often gets lost for us and we miss the opportunity to celebrate where this journey has taken us.   The example of my own writing process is that I don't often witness the dedication and growth that comes just from picking up my pen,  and not from having a  consistent readership or encouragement but each time I write, seeking my own inner words of encouragement,  I become the alchemist of my personal transformation.  I am taking the lead,  as the true alchemist does,  which is my dedication to ordinary practices of creating, rest pauses, and  breath which becomes the matter that is accelerating all of our experiences of magic,  and turning it into the gold of growth. This growth fuels our light and healing like my small practice of pen to paper. Creating is always first and foremost for ourselves and for me a way to continue to acquaint myself with the woman and child inside.  Alchemy is created by and for us through all the steps that lead to transformation.  When we commit to a breath practice that we know transforms our anxiety into ease, not once but every time we need it.   When we practice combining the essential oils that somehow offer us relief from feelings of stress and come back to it over and over again. Whatever you have found that brings alchemy to your soul will be your transforming power.    Using what we know or what has been offered to us as science and a little magic,  to provide a shift in our physical, mental or emotional health, we are staying true to the alchemist within. 

Maybe you will find a moment this weekend where you too can honor all the steps you have taken, all the ways that you have transformed and grown and for a moment you will see how seemingly magic your own transformation continues to be and just like the naked tree, you will transform the space around you and open yourself to a wider perspective, to the entirety of your lived experience.

The Ripple Effect

"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into the water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects." Dalai Lama

As soon as I open my eyes and it registers that I am indeed at my parent's cottage on the beautiful North Lake, I anticipate getting in my kayak in the early morning stillness. Often with a companion but both quiet enough so as to not wake anyone else as we tiptoe about preparing to go.   Once we are on the lake, we marvel at the appropriateness of the term,  just like glass, as my mother often said with pride about her little spot of the water.  There is no movement and one can see themselves reflecting in the stillness.   As the first paddle dips in, a ripple is created in the smoothness. This ripple moves out away from the boat extending farther than the eye can see and back to a mirrored surface of calm.   When we are in the center of the lake, we stop paddling and sit savoring a warm drink.  The nearby loon creates the next ripple as she dips below the surface. When she emerges her haunting call ripples across the entire body of water to be answered by another loon just out of sight.  Missing this sweet refuge in the Fall of the year as this would be the time we would frequent it most, I enjoy savoring this experience  I would have had numerous times over the years.   Sitting with the memory and the sensorial recall of my body and mind, it felt like  I was actually there. Although the ocean is where my heart is happiest, the calm of freshwater spaces cannot be matched and each ripple created by myself or nature as we paddle about brings a quality of presence that can't be found in many other places.

The lake is not the only place I have witnessed the beauty and power of the ripple in memory or real-time recently.  I watched Hollywood Stargirl with my daughters and we fell in love with the sequel to our original love of Stargirl.   The ripples she creates, by just being, are highlighted and unpacked so authentically.   Whether it was the grumpy older man she befriended in her new apartment complex or the spark created between her and her love interest or the woman she admires for her past artistry as a singer that everyone else views in a negative light,  or how she holds space for her mom and the challenges of being a single parent trying to pursue her own dreams or the subsequent connection she makes with her love interest's brother who is in need of her charisma, empathy, and confidence to fulfill his passion of creating a film,  she admirably moves with grace, love, and mercy throughout the film embodying the ripple effect.   Unlike other films with a character coming of age, there is very little drama, and a lot of ease and you fall in love with this character who is so true to herself that she sends ripples throughout her community that have others rising up to meet her wherever she lands. The fictional plot is not the only part of this film that creates ripples. Perhaps the storyline and unprecedented theme are a result of the female director and her intention to bring a more real script to life rather than striving for a box office seller.   Setting in motion a ripple in the movie world where women can be represented with more honesty and movies can tell real stories from a female perspective and experience.

Ripples are what many of us would like to think we are creating in the world and with the people around us by being true to ourselves.   Is there someone in your life right now who you associate with creating a ripple effect for you?  Possibly yourself?    In my writing, I have been generous with words towards my spouse but I often forget about the importance of the power of this face-to-face.  A while back he discovered a new recipe for a delicious lentil stew that was such a big hit with everyone in the house that we began to request it on a weekly basis. Probably because of the comfort it brings to each person who eats it, tasting like a warm hug.  As with most things, he puts his love into whatever he creates.   This little ripple he has orchestrated to send love and care to us,  but Mark is also my best example of making positive ripples in my life and wherever he goes.  He too shows up as himself in every situation and I have witnessed the effect this has on others.  His genuine interest in knowing someone else and discussing thoughts on just about any issue with an openness of heart makes most exhale deeply around him.  There is no pretense, just all of his imperfect self.   I used to think he should hold back a bit and let others take the lead but I now realize that would just not be who he is and he can be so confident with the way he shows up in the world that others feel that permission to do the same.   I share this with you, not to inflate my spouse, although that is probably a good thing too at times,   to extend the examples of the power of the ripple in nature, art, and our own personal lives and connections.     

We aren't always fortunate enough to witness the ripples and their effect.  We can become frustrated in our workplace, in parenting our children, and orchestrating bigger changes in our communities with policies, practices, and ways of support and we forget the powerful presence we have when we just bring ourselves and our respect to every situation.  When we share our joy and our ease, when we bring a new perspective,  refuse to listen to the chatter, and disallow the opinions of others to fuel our personal experiences. All too often the ripples that we intentionally or unintentionally create leave others smothered by our anger, drenched in our anguish, steeped in our fear, or unprocessed feelings or experiences. We have probably all been ambushed by a coworker, family member, or stranger whose energy or way of handling a situation has rippled into our own and if we are not mindful, we carry this home to our families or onto our next interaction. At times we are also responsible for sending this infamous ripple.

So many meaningful and powerful ripples are created through artistic expression. Poetry, prose, musical lyrics, paintings, and theatre.  It brings to mind the ripple of the music as well from the beloved Hollywood Stargirl with her rendition of Brian Wilson's, Love and Mercy. Written thirty-four years ago and it is still sending ripples like the one to my heart and life with the compelling lyrics bringing to light our need for more love and mercy. As Grace sings in the movie. "I was lying in my room and the news came on TV, A lotta people out there hurtin', And it really scares me. Love and mercy, that's what you need tonight. So, love and mercy to you and your friends tonight." 

 In this world of cancel culture, where we are tempted to call out everyone's missteps and mistakes or use individuals as scapegoats often for collective deeper societal issues and structures,  we need to revisit dear Brian Wilson's impassioned message and begin or continue to send out all the love and mercy we can muster with our own presence so the ripples we create encourage others to do the same.  Then as our metaphorical paddle dips into our own mirror of calm, we will release our individual ripple that collectively may become  part of the wave needed to bring higher vibrations of energy for all of us.

   

Resilience

"Instead of dispensing energy, collect it until you feel full. Your resilience is not something you can cause, it's a state to call forth from the depths of your being." Elena Brower

 As I stood on the dock watching the array of colors arrive in the rainbow overhead, I marveled at the consistency of this color phenomenon.  It arrives, in the same way, each time, presenting the same seven colors with the same vibrancy as the last. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet, are the same colors we associate with the Chakras or meridians in the body. Root, Sacral, Solar Plexus, Heart, Throat, and Third Eye. Again this intermix of nature shows up with our environment and our being, holding so closely to the same rhythms.    I watched it become a complete arc and then fade to half before it left the sky completely.   We all know the symbolism behind the rainbow showing up after a storm as a sign of hope, sometimes strength, and definitely to solidify our faith in something greater than ourselves.   In the same way that when all of the meridians of the body align we witness our own strength, our ability to be hopeful, and our wonder in the divinity around and within us.    It was divine timing for me to witness the mystery of the rainbow.  I was away just for the night after a long stint with Covid.  It went through the entire house and had us looking after the one who had surrendered, before surrendering ourselves to the virus as well.   I was so grateful for the protection that the vaccines had provided, and amazed that we could all still feel so miserably ill for the length of time that we did.  It would seem that our energy would be the last thing to return and while we were still waiting and looking for a way to nourish that process along, we headed to our sweet spot near the ocean, to the dock and my rainbow. 

 I am always looking for the messages around me that help guide and build my relationship with resiliency.   Thinking about how non-resilient illness had made me feel, and seeing it as the dress rehearsal that it is for when the rug gets pulled out from under us over and over again if we are privileged enough to have a long life. Thinking too about the setbacks and spiraling of everyone who navigates the storms, inevitable losses, tragedies, and traumas that life presents, and wonder if our messages about resilience may be adding to the burden that others feel.  Most of us can sense or at least can't deny the general uneasiness of the world right now. So many of our systems, structures, ideologies and historical events have been challenged or transformed, and we are left wondering about truth.  It may only be my perspective but it feels like our familiar landing or take-off pad has been removed or just harder to reach to steady ourselves at times.  If this makes any sense to you, you may have given some thought to my next question which is how do we redefine resiliency to be inclusive of this experience of uncertainty in both present and future circumstances? It seems easy to get swallowed by it all and not be able to feel resilient in the way it is often presented.     Resiliency is referenced as our ability to bounce back after hardship or difficulty. How to react and respond appropriately when challenged. We judge ourselves as being resilient or not based on whether we think we responded or reacted appropriately in situations and often feel shame or guilt about our inability to mask or control our natural responses to hardship. 

I wonder about my rainbow and where it was until it showed up to my privileged eye.  When you spend most of your life with children, it is difficult not to think like one,  so I was embellishing the idea of the rainbow dropping out, giving in, surrendering to something, and then when it is ready and feeling like it has the energy and right circumstance, it begins again, coming forward with the same tenacity and intensity of colors as before, demonstrating true resilience.    Although minor illness is something with a beginning and ending, it aids in understanding how we maneuver through challenges that knock us down, knock the wind out of us or make us question situations and circumstances.    We all start off knowing that illness is coming, aches and pains, and obvious shifts in mood, energy, and sleep patterns. We start to resist these signs and do our natural remedies, change what we consume, and adjust our sleep patterns in hopes of not being taken down by the illness.   Very quickly we realize when chills, fevers, nausea, and persistent coughs begin that our resistance is futile and that we will need to surrender, not to give up but to actually heal. In this case,  surrendering means nourishing ourselves, coming full stop, and allowing rest and sleep to dominate.   This exemplifies what real resilience looks like to me.  Listening to our bodies, respecting our emotions, and having compassion for our actions and reactions to hardship.  It is not about the bouncing back. I actually have never bounced back from anything but rather tiptoed, lingered, meandered, and sometimes even crawled back from any number of setbacks in life.  I wonder if this makes me any less resilient than someone who powers through, and fights their body or spirit through an illness, grief, loss, changes, or tragedy?  Telling ourselves or others, even inadvertently, that to be resilient, you must gain control, manage or deny our natural rhythms is a travesty. The message of resiliency needs to be offered as I recently heard it referred to as flowing with the natural process of letting go, surrendering to and acknowledging, and then when and only when we have given ourselves this time our own body, mind, and spirit needs to process and heal can we begin again.  Maybe with a slight pivot in direction, in the understanding of ourselves,  in healing actions, thoughts or words. Possibly with a clearer perspective,  apologies or next-right practices.   We cannot give a timeline to our own or someone else's bouncing back, moving on,  letting go,  that makes us comfortable, and expect that if this is not met then there is no resiliency. A resilient person can and does respond inappropriately to other's standards at times, we are all just a myriad of our own experiences reflecting back at us.  Even if we have done the work, the preventative practices, and filled our cups, life happens. The difference is that we take the time to acknowledge and compassionately embrace this learning for ourselves.  Life can plow us under, catch our breath, and rattle our resolve, but resilience is what we have inside that reveals when the best we can do right now may be nothing.    When we can allow ourselves the time with the feelings, and the enormity of the circumstance. When we can rest at the bottom after we have allowed ourselves to fall.   Resilience is knowing what is right for our timeline,  to let the universe tell us to stop and in the same way, we honor the good moments of life with ritual and resolve, celebration and ceremony, we find ways to do the same for our losses and uncertainties, setbacks and hardships.

Mostly we don't know and sometimes we think we do and that makes things complicated for us and others because thinking we know what works for anyone other than ourselves and even that is a series of trials and mishaps, is where the echo of resiliency becomes the burden.  If we are here, if we are witnessing, gathering ourselves, refilling, refueling after the drop to our knees or our collapse under the weight, we are resilient.  Just like other colors, beyond the seven we see of the rainbow, are there, so too is our resiliency, even if we don't see it at times or it doesn't look the way we thought it would.  Like the rainbow, we reemerge carrying with us all of the mystery, hope, and humanity we continue to excavate from within the depths of our humanness and our skill in surrendering to the inevitable and very human, falls. Indeed the rainbow is the promise. The promise we will find our colors in our own way and on our own time and we will share them along with the mystery of our continued resilience.