I Am

A few years ago I had the opportunity to take a  year off from my job. Both my partner and I arranged to take the same year as a deferred salary leave.  After the four years of the program, we had the fifth year off, and as the time approached we were full of anticipation for our new adventure.  When I started to share, that in a few months, I would be taking a year off, some people started to ask what I was going to do.  My response of, I don't know yet, didn't sit well with some and when they also realized I would be doing this with my partner, I could sense their genuine concern.  I think a lot had thought I would have a plan to travel or at least a plan of some sort! Many said that they could never take a year off as they would be bored and needed to be busy. Others asked if I was discontent with my job or if I was having health concerns.  I could feel their anxiety about my stepping out of the normalcy realm and there were days that I started to feel it too.  Deep down I was still elated with the possibility of what the year would mean for me and my partner.  I guess my genuine answer of I don't know, really meant  I was going to take this one day at a time. It seemed like such a luxury to not have to know and to have the time to not do anything if I chose to.  Maybe it was my role as a caregiver or that my partner and I had already job shared for close to a decade in the past, that really gave me the insight to know that the wealth of time could never be wasted when you were giving it to yourself.  Edith Egar goes as far as to say that love is a four-letter word spelled, T I M E. So I was really loving myself enough to receive the gift of time. What I didn't realize, is that this year would be a practice of letting go of a lot of the external identity and roles that I had been identifying with when it came to my career and the doing and helping that goes along with that. I was going to have to adapt to or discover who I was without the titles I had given myself, and the service I was to others.

Mantra is a word that I have used a lot in the last decade because of my yoga and mindfulness practice.  In yoga,  the mantra is used to focus the mind for meditation but by definition, the mantra is a statement or slogan that is repeated frequently. One type of mantra used frequently is an I am statement.  I was aware that not all of my mantras were positive and that many would be part of the letting go process of that year.  If I was not saying I am a teacher, I am busy, I am helping, I am needed for XYZ,  I would need to find new mantras for my life not just for this year but for the future as well. Changing roles is a constant in our lives with growing children, evolving relationships, and changing and ending careers. I knew I didn't want to be resistant to any phase of my life.  I feel so fortunate to have had the chance to experience this when I did and I recognize my privilege in being able to do so. 

I have been thinking about what an important part of our lives this breaking down, letting go of, breaking out of roles and identifying with who we are in a different way, is for all of us .  This isn't for just those big external changes but even for the mantras or I am statements we hang on tightly to that are not always good for us or who we really are.   Some of these identities that present as our internal dialogue, are not just limiting but can be harmful to us.   We have them in a loop on repeat in our minds and they are how we identify with our relationships, our bodies, our mistakes, and ultimately our value as a person. These internal roles we give ourselves are the ones that truly matter so we need to be sure they are serving us.  We are not our careers, our possessions, or our output.  Allowing ourselves to think of who we are without all of these things is necessary.  I know for me, that the fear was and is at times, that I won't be worthy, loveable, or belong without all of these external roles and then these become my negative mantras.  What recognizing your mantras can do, is allow you to create ones that remind you of who you are at your core. I like to think of it as creating a hook for your mind on something good. I created a painting a year ago with I am statements covering it.  These were to remind me of who or what I am that really matters. I jokingly referred to it as my wanted poster if anyone was looking for me or what I would want my legacy to be if I had any control over that.  These statements continually change now as I do and some of my more recent ones would be, I am enjoying the empty spaces, I am the person my younger self would be proud of and I am at ease where ever I find myself.  Writing these does not mean you will believe them now or all the time, but finding and repeating words that resonate with you on the inside, not your roles, can help to know that beyond your meat suit, your accomplishments and careers, you are, you are, you are, just as I am, I am, I am, and remembering that before all else we are love.