How It Feels

 "It doesn't matter how it looks. It only matters how it feels." Lauren Sapala

I saw my first full moon/lunar eclipse this week.  With a front-row seat, early Tuesday morning, I felt a child-like giddiness as I caught just the toenail of this full moon illuminated before it all went to shade. It wasn't how the dark of the moon with the eclipse looked. It was how it felt to witness the timing of this when it only occurs once a year at a particular moment. The earth, moon, and sun aligning so closely to create this shadow show.

This wasn't my only first this week. Participating in an ongoing writing workshop, we were asked to follow a new poem form, the Panoume.   I had never done this before and she guided us to think of something that makes us smile for the first line, our thought or reaction to it in the second, what happened because of it, and a line to wrap up the four-line stanza.  The rest of the poem is numbered and many of the first four lines repeat throughout and new ones are added to make this spoken word poem.  I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed this poetry form. A lot of my writing is not done from a feeling of bliss even though it feels good to write in any form and release it, I do spend time rereading and thinking about how it looks as a finished piece before I put it in this space.  Trying something new and leaving it as it was the first time I did it felt like flow.

Thinking of how firsts feel, it occurred to me that most come about from intentionality,  unlike the firsts that multiply in earlier periods of our lives or the incidental ones like the eclipse. There is a feeling to firsts that make us feel alive and stir our creativity. To others, they may look like ordinary experiences. To us, they can feel exhilarating and life-giving.

This summer I wanted to remember turning fifty-three with a photo. Of course, I was concerned with how this would look since getting my picture taken feels vulnerable to me somehow. So I asked my daughter to take a few and scrutinized each that she showed me until we settled on one for keeping and I used it for my social media platforms.  During the moments trying for a photo, my dog Shanti made an appearance and proceeded to lick my entire face.  My daughter continued to take pictures. When I look at this photo now, it is the one that feels good and feels right.  It feels like bliss, easy and mask-free.

 We have been so conditioned with messages that tell us that it only matters how it looks and not how it feels that we carry this into our lives like the very heavy weight it can be at times.  We begin to believe that what we show the world is more important than what our own experiences of the world really feel like for us. Showing strength when we feel weak stops others from being able to support us. Saying yes when we feel a hard no can cross boundaries and force us to use the energy we need to feel rested and whole.  

Right now I am writing to you in real-time.  I haven't critiqued,  edited, or changed anything. In fact, I had a completely different piece of writing ready to share but this jumble of thoughts and sharing my Panoume was what felt right.   I hope you are inspired to feel into the moments of your own life regardless of what they look like because as emphatically as I can, I want to be your reminder as was Lauren for me, it ONLY matters how it feels.   The poem below comes from a space of bliss and I loved every minute of the moments it describes and the moments of making it a poem. 

Seeing Shanti sprawled out on the bottom of my bed when waking.

As though he owns the space of rest for himself

I feel comforted by his ease as we lock eyes and he extends his body towards me

So much love where the sleeping dog lies

As though he owns the space of rest for himself

His eyes plead for that first-morning belly rub

So much love where the sleeping dog lies

When he hears the footsteps coming to retrieve him for his walk

His eyes plead for that first-morning belly rub

I lean into his sweet gaze and he leans into my touch

When he hears the footsteps coming to retrieve him for his walk

We cuddle here hoping not to be noticed for a few short moments of rest longer

I lean into his sweet gaze and he leans into my touch

I feel comforted by his ease as we lock eyes and he extends his body towards me

We cuddle here hoping to not be noticed for a few short moments of rest longer

Seeing my dog Shanti sprawled out on the bottom of my bed when waking.