Support

"And some days I forget what it is to be gentle with myself- how to look at myself with kind eyes and speak to myself with soft words. Forget that I am my home and a temple worthy of worship". Becca Lee. 

Being drawn outside just after dusk by the warm breeze on one of the few remaining nights of summer, I was reminded how much I love the gentle wind. It has a mystical quality for me and a  presence that could only come from knowing her power and the support she offers all of the elements of the earth. The wind makes things come alive and creates an orchestra of rustling leaves. Its gentle contact with everything it touches feels like support, a way of helping to clear away what is no longer needed and awaken the senses of all living things to do the same. It is like a whisper of assurance that it is clearing away the heavy.  The wind allows me to feel my edges and begin to soften them. As I stand there with my eyes closed, feeling the cleansing and clarifying effects, my senses are enlivened with a feeling of empowerment, and with that comes a confidence that I can give this same quality of support to myself.

In the early weeks of the new school year, we are learning all the ways that our students need to be supported and figuring out how we will put those supports in place. At the tender age of four or five, the supports they need vary and most of them are completely unaware of what they are.  Some need the support of routine and predictability. Others need the concrete support of help with getting coats and shoes on and off. Many need the support of a calming environment or presence.  There are those that require visual schedules and reassurance that they will see their loved ones soon. Again others need support finding the playground, turning on the tap, reaching the smart board,  making a friend, locating the gym, asking for help, or choosing an activity.  Whatever it may be, I have yet to have a student that didn't require some form of support even if it is just encouragement to try new things. This support offered is so crucial to their success in and out of school with one of the end goals being, having our students understand and be able to be a support to themselves as well.   The need for external support from a good connection probably never ends but it is like a recipe you use again and again because it supports you in creating the delicious cake each time. This is only one part of the process, you also have to be skilled in being able to carry out the necessary steps to be happy with the result.   We all need to be able to regulate and be mindful of what our mind or body needs for support. Only then can we find what that support will look like for us.  This is why the practice of mindfulness can be so powerful even at a young age. It can make a child understand how to self-regulate through big emotions, and use breathing techniques to support them through frustration or anxiety.  If we are going to be able to support young people in doing this for themselves then we also need to be able to support ourselves as well and model this in our interactions and our own lives. 

 Support is different than self-care as it is not equated with a monetary or material value or commodity. Like so many things that become a trend, there are messages everywhere telling us what we need to care for ourselves.    With support, we don't have to see it as something extra we need to do for ourselves like a practice of caring for something or offering ourselves things to improve or better our performance or lives.   Support is not a separate entity. When we talk about support, it is something we embody and it comes from our deep center, a place we access when we are still and listening in a different way.  We find what we need and that knowledge comes from listening deeply when our mind is balanced with our heart.  In this space, we learn how things feel and get digested by the body instead of our mind sending unknown or unfamiliar messages to the body from the mind. There is no upper case self that needs to be cared for. Support just needs our attention on all the ways we are already being held physically and emotionally beyond the expectations we may have of others or the ones we have of ourselves to provide that support to someone else.   The place we go in nature that makes us feel held, the words or affirmations we speak when faced with a challenge or difficult task when we walk away from an argument or a relationship. The support we give ourselves to be alright with an outcome. We support ourselves with good decisions, surround ourselves with people that feel good, bring calm or feel like a cheer squad.   We support ourselves when we give ourselves permission to cry, mess up, and get angry, when we show ourselves empathy and compassion and when we make room for connection that uplifts. Support is still having that glass of water we need or the long walk after work but not because we are told it is good for us but because we feel into ourselves and listen to what our own body or mind needs.   Support looks like love and acceptance of ourselves too not just others.  It is showing up for ourselves on all the days,  supporting with breath, movement, routines, rituals, celebration, and ceremony.  We support our own healing and growth with intention and practice.  Our support system is our way to help ourselves thrive and the people who are thriving are those who have and are continually creating supports for themselves by just asking the simple question, how can I support myself today, at this moment? What do I need to be supported in my work, and my relationships, and how can I offer this to myself right now?  This small act creates people capable of not only supporting themselves but also those around them.  When we don't know what we need to be supported or look to others to do it all for us, we abandon ourselves. It can start as a small chipping away at our own systems of support when we don't listen to what our bodies need, how we need to express ourselves or show up, knowing what boundaries we need and who we need in our lives to feel supported.  

When we begin the journey of offering support to ourselves for the first time,  we can start with encouraging words or affirmations, start by trusting ourselves, and notice what lifts us up or deflates us. We can incorporate gratitude for the existing things we are already doing that support us like the food we eat that is nourishing to the body, the soft pillow we place under our head for sleep, the healthy routines and connections we have already established, and the restorative practices that we may be able to begin to incorporate a little bit at a time.  then just like the small people in our lives, we can let go of the hand we may be holding that we think is our buoy and like the wind, levy our own power to keep supporting ourselves in what this moment is asking of us now.  

Choosing A Direction

 

“Let the path become where I choose to walk, and not otherwise established." Mary Oliver

I was fourteen years old and visiting New York City for the first time. This day was the tour of the Statue of Liberty.  I started up the stairs in single file with my friends in front and behind and a thousand other tourists following suit.  In the beginning, I was able to see the top of the statue above and the skyline all around but as the stairs narrowed and I headed closer to the top enclosure, I looked back to only see a sea of faces blocking my view of where I had come. When I looked toward the viewing station and the head of the statue, I could only see the people waiting in front. The realization of being stuck in this blind spot settled over me and I filled with panic.  This meant heart racing, breath becoming short and rapid, and thoughts of being trapped escalating.   Forgetting those I had come with or the swarms of people enclosing me,  I began creating a commotion as I started to change directions and move back down the stairs. Being five foot three inches tall, I said excuse me and sorry to the armpits of most that I maneuvered clumsily past.  It felt like I was outside of my body and I don't actually remember reaching the bottom or how long it took for me to come back into it.  I just remember the challenge of changing direction, of being stuck and feeling panicked in this perceived blind spot created by the endless stream of bodies in front and behind and feeling swept into moving forward. This experience could have been chalked up to the realization  I was claustrophobic, and experiencing what a panic attack was but looking back there was also the understanding that at that moment I was stuck in the thought that there were no options after choosing to follow this narrowing path and all opportunities to choose differently were swallowed into the limiting choice I had made of following this focused stairway.

Preparing to get in my kayak recently and launch off into the Nashwaak river, I noticed a large dragonfly that had made itself comfortable on the front of my boat and did not seem phased by the jostling about I was creating by stepping inside.  I was in no hurry so sat and watched this ancient creature that has outlived dinosaurs, studying the details of its delicate double wings and the intricate design of each. This tiny creature has always been a favorite of mine. To me more endearing than the butterfly.  I think if having a spirit animal is a thing, mine would definitely be this winged wonder. The dragonfly is immersed in symbolism.  All around the world, there is agreement that the dragonfly symbolizes transformation and adaptability. It can be seen as a  reminder to shed more light and joy in your life.  If the symbolism is not enough for you too to be in awe of this angelic creature, the fact that dragonflies have nearly three hundred and sixty-degree vision with only one tiny blind spot, directly behind their head or the fact that they can fly in any direction, is sure to catch your attention. Their resilience comes from their ability to choose a direction to fly; back, forward, down, up, left, and right, all the while reaping the reward of finding their prey or the opportunity of nourishment all around them, regardless of which direction they head. The physiological blind spot they have is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting photoreceptor cells on the optic disc of the retina.  As a consequence of having no cells detecting light, the corresponding part of the field is invisible. Having a  blind spot, a field not visible to us can impede our ability to see an opportunity or the advantage of choosing a direction to  begin to follow and as a result, the other paths that may converge here but for the dragonfly, this is such a small field of darkness,  it seems inconsequential to their thriving. 

After many conversations with my daughter this week discussing fears and apprehension about choosing the direction or path of the university degree she is working towards, and her thought that she may be limiting her options by engaging in such a focused program, possibly missing out on exploring other passions and maybe, as a result, leaving behind opportunity with one wrong choice, I recognized this narrative as such a common one that people often get drowned in. It can flow into many of the directions and paths we take in life and does not only pertain to choosing a career.   In wanting to be honest with Grace and myself, I reflected on my own experiences of moving in new directions, narrowing my focus of learning on my own path of choosing to become a  teacher.   When   I finished my bachelor of arts degree and started working as a support worker for a non-profit in Fredericton, I was enjoying working with young people and supporting them in difficult situations,  but it became clear that this was not somewhere that I was thriving so I decided to go back to school.  Education seemed like the most relatable field to what my experiences had been working so I chose to enroll in this program. I could have curated the narrative that I chose to be an educator because my grandmother was also a teacher, as she was,  that my passion for this career path was unshakeable and I had no doubts or reservations but this would have been untrue. I have not known many, myself included, who chose a path that worked for them with doubt-free conviction, and when they chose that path that did not mean that this was the end of opportunity but rather it was the step that led to making space for many more, as was the case for me. If I had not chosen to become a teacher, I may not have explored all of my own creative outlets.  It is quite possible that I would not have been led to become a yoga practitioner and instructor which has helped me live with more ease and resilience. I know I would not have been as equipped for my unique path as a parent or been afforded the flexibility with my work-life balance. There will be so many opportunities to use our gifts to serve, grow, and transform in this long life, and not all will pertain to our career.  But for those that do, it is important to consider that for some a career path starts as a passion and helps us create a life, for others the direction we choose starts us on a path of creating a life full of passion. Both begin with choosing a direction and are not limited by the narrowing of focus. Each direction may work and when they don't we can climb down without apology, find our way back into embodying ourselves, and like the dragonfly, adapt, transform, choose another direction to take flight that will nourish our life-giving force and minimize the blind spot that may be dimming our light and making the fields of opportunity invisible to us. Maybe then, our own path can also serve as a reminder to others that the right direction for each of us is one that leads us to the discovery of our light and helps us to embody the joy that lives there.   

Listening

 "You see pain with your eyes, but you sympathize with your ears. Sometimes the greatest way to serve someone is just by listening. Behind every need is a story"  Rick Warren

I could hear singing coming from Maya's room a few moments after hearing her doing her nightly goodnight to the caricature of her favorite Educational Assistant and friend on the wall as she lay in her bed.   As I was brushing my teeth, the song she was singing registered as a result of a familiar chorus," Que sera sera",  lyrics that she has used many times before in a patterned script as her neurodiverse self often does when she really likes a song, dialogue or is working through a feeling or thought that fits with the words.  No sooner had the lyric clicked for me, than she was asking me to join in a duet and so we sang, "When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's was she said to me, Que sera, sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, Que sera sera." I stayed in the bathroom as we sang, and the lyrics seemed to split easefully between us as I did one part and when I paused she finished the line.  She was giggling throughout and then when her part started to fade, I stopped singing.  I thought I had been listening to her, engaging as she had asked and I  felt good about the moment we shared but it wasn't until she was asleep that I really heard her and what she was actually saying to me if I was really listening.

The Kindergarten year begins in a few short days and as I sifted through what to take with me from years past, things that worked or saw success and things I would leave behind because they either don't make sense anymore or they are tired and don't fit with new philosophies or my own growth as an educator, I was thinking about the concept of whole body listening.   This has been a staple that I have modeled and mentored for many years.  Listening with not only our ears but all of our bodies and senses.  Talking to them about what a listener might look or sound like.  We practice little moments of listening as moving, playing, and socializing are the majority of the skills most needed for our tasks but in those moments of practice, listening gains more collateral with them. They start to see how it makes them feel when someone is whole body listening as they share their show and tell when they offer news about their weekend or their night at home, what made them sad, or happy, or their problem on the playground,  or at the coat rack. When they were proud of the items in their lunch box or just needed to request a hug or a band-aid for their bug bite.  Some even begin to feel empowered to point out when they don't feel someone in the group is listening and they tell them to put their eyes on them or they may say they will wait until one of their classmates stops talking before they share. 

I feel like I have been working on my own listening skills over many years, clearing my own thoughts, and opening my heart and my mind over and over again. Listening to others to learn from them on podcasts and other platforms, asking difficult questions, and listening to heartfelt responses,  and somehow it makes sense that I will be continuing to do so as long as I am a living breathing social being.   Listening is such a complex skill that we all need and yet only we know if we are really able to hear what is being communicated to us.  Sometimes the message is the words spoken, sometimes the message lies behind the words. Sometimes we listen to a message that is difficult to hear but has something to teach us about ourselves. Maybe just in our reaction to the message.  Other times the words are sending a message we need to hear but are not ready for just yet. We often listen to respond to others.  Sometimes the message we need to hear is our own.  We need to listen to our bodies and our hearts.  This kind of listening may help us with an underlying message.  If our bodies are sick, we may need to hear that we are too stressed, or the food we are eating is not nourishing us.  If our hearts are heavy, we may need to hear the grief we have been ignoring or the anger that is lingering from unresolved conflict.    In most cases, listening is beyond the words or phrases being said by others or ourselves.

In the past weeks, I have noticed myself wanting to be listened to. I have wanted to share ideas and solutions I have to recent difficulties and see if they resonate or make sense. I have wanted to voice my concern for injustices and ways others are being excluded or need to be included.  I have wanted to suggest a different way forward or ask for help in realizing a solution to a bigger problem. All of these things related to my own personal life and experiences but realizing for this to happen I needed to risk not being heard and maybe just being alright with formulating and hearing aloud my own needs as words being strung together, spoken or written.  With some, I have chosen carefully what to say and the wording for clarity. With others, I have shared and bared it all with lots of emotion and urgency. And still more, I was calculating what to write or say and who I hoped would hear my message. I can say that with the responses I received I felt very heard.  One dear friend sat across the table from me and didn't move a muscle in her body. Her eyes were on me the entire time and she didn't try to interject or relate to what I was telling her. She was just open-hearted and listened.  Another, humbled me with the time, care, and respect she formulated with her written response to my long convoluted email. Her words were like butter dripping over popcorn and soaking me in the buttery goodness of her sweet soul's intention to make me feel heard and understood.  Another, was very direct and inquisitive, from a person in a position to make a  difference, and a meeting was arranged to talk about needs, solutions, and desires to clarify how they could help.  And still, another, allowed me to essentially rant across the phone lines and then thanked me for offering her insight into the situation I painted with my big brush.   It made me curious as to what I was afraid of in relation to asking for help in the ways I was needing.  Many of us are those do-it-yourselfers who see asking to be heard or listened to as saying I can't do it alone and this makes me flawed somehow and maybe this is not the message we want others to hear.  I can say from repeated experience,  that what others actually hear, is your willingness to ask for what you need,  you valuing what you have to say enough to not to be inhibited by how others may receive your words, and in this, they see you as one of the people brave enough to communicate the core of you, your truth and they will not only listen to you but will offer you the privilege of this same connection by asking you to listen and hear them as well.

Maya inviting me to sing the lyrics of "Que sera sera" a few nights ago was not random.  She had been witnessing and listening to my words, my body language, and my silence that day.  After she fell asleep that night, what I finally heard her saying in those lyrics meant for me, between and beyond them was this, "Mom, it's ok. You don't need to have this all figured out today, tonight, or ever.  We can't see the future, we can't control it, but we can accept that, "whatever will be will be".   

I am reminding myself to listen with the same passion with which I wish to be heard, in the words of Harriet Learner and as I start a new day tomorrow before I lift my head from my pillow, I will place my hands on my head, then my heart and my core and I will listen with compassion for what is meant to be heard and with this same compassion and patience, I will prepare to be open to hearing all that is being said by those around me and then this time, as my husband walks up the driveway after parking the car and Maya stands by the window watching and singing, "Here comes the sun, doo, doo, doo Here comes the sun and I say it's alright doo, doo doo. I will have the pleasure to hear the first time round, Dad is home, my sunshine, and my light and that makes everything alright" and I will smile to myself and to her and we will share in the joy of listening and being heard.